Ep #81: Stop Yelling and Start Connecting with Celia Kibler (2024)

Do you ever feel like you’re constantly yelling at your kids to get them to listen and do what you ask? Resorting to yelling is exhausting and frustrating, so what if there was a better way? My guest this week has a magic recipe for getting your kids to do what you ask the first time, every time, and she’s revealing her genius technique on this episode.

Celia Kibler is a parenting expert with over 45 years of experience. She’s also a bestselling author, international speaker, and founder of the International Day of Calm. Her acclaimed 21 Days to Stop Yelling course is designed to guide you through a journey of self-reflection and practical skill-building to help you replace yelling with constructive and compassionate communication, and she’s sharing her insights with us on this episode.

If you’re ready to stop yelling and start connecting with your kids on a deeper level, listen in. Celia shares her secret to getting kids to cooperate without resorting to yelling, doable tips that will transform your parenting, and the importance of play, both for you and your kids, in fostering a peaceful household.

To thank you for being a listener here, we made you a special freebie. It’s an amazing alphabet activity you can begin using with your kiddos that is so fun, so get started by clickinghereto grab it!

What You’ll Learn:

• Why constantly yelling at your kids is counterproductive and what to do instead.
• The importance of giving kids choices and control over their lives when appropriate.
• Why, while punishments don’t work, consequences do.
• What happens when children feel respected.
• Strategies for validating kids’ emotions without trying to fix everything for them.
• How to help kids build frustration tolerance and learn to handle disappointment.
• Why play is so crucial for kids (and adults!) and how it relates to calmer parenting.
• The value of truly listening to your kids to understand what’s really bothering them.
• How to get kids to listen and do what you ask the first time.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

• Follow us on social: Instagram | Facebook | Pinterest
• Planning Playtime Mommy & Me Preschool Program
• Grab the Play to Read program!
• Celia Kibler: Website | Instagram | Podcast
• Check out Celia’s books here!
• Get Celia’s 21 Days to Stop Yelling course here, and use code PODCAST to get 60% off!
• Funfit Family Fitness

Full Episode Transcript:

How do you get kids to do what you’re asking them to do without yelling at them? This is the secret magic thing that we all want to know as parents. And today my guest Celia Kibler is here to tell us her secret magic recipe. Celia is an amazing person, she has the most incredible resumé. She’s a bestselling author. She’s an international speaker. She’s the founder of the International Day of Calm, which is the coolest thing ever. And she runs multiple websites, Pumped up Parenting, Fun, Fit, Family Fitness. She’s incredible, has so much knowledge. Has been doing this for 45 years. Her trick for getting kids to do what you ask the first time and get them their self-governing solution, really to doing what you’ve asked them to do is genius. I think you’re going to love it. Come listen to the podcast. It’s starting right after this.Welcome to the Raising Healthy Kid Brains podcast where moms and teachers come to learn all about kids’ brains, how they work, how they learn, how they grow and simple tips and tricks for raising the most resilient, kind, smart, compassionate kids we can. All while having lots of grace and compassion for ourselves because you know what? We all really need and deserve that too. I am your host, Amy Nielson. Let’s get ready to start the show.Amy: Celia, welcome to the show. I’m so happy to have you on today.Celia: Thank you, Amy, it’s great to be here.Amy: Okay, I love this topic because it’s just such a thing. And I’m excited where we’re going with it. So, we’re going to be talking today about how to not yell at our kids and why. And then we’re going to talk a little bit about play. And you mentioned as we were coming on today, something kind of awesome. Can you tell us everybody what today is, it’s kind of special.Celia: So today is June 11th that we’re doing this recording. And it happens to be the first annual celebration of the International Day of Play started by LEGO, supported by the UN and already put into the list of international celebratory days. So, putting more emphasis on how important play is for children and like you and I were saying, for adults too.Amy: Oh. my goodness, I just, I feel like this calls for a game of pickleball. Actually, no, my kids today, they’re with their dad today. And so, I’m like, “Okay, well, I can go play pickleball or something.” But I think play is so healthy. And what I love is that when we do it as adults, and I come from, my mother was the most magical play person and I feel like this is where I got so much of my value around play. And she passed away at 70 and it was very shocking, really hard. But right before that happened, at 70 years old, she’s starting the water fights, and we’re kayaking around the lake or jumping on the trampoline with the grandkids.And she could still beat some of my brothers that got you last, right. She was so much fun, but I think it’s just contagious and it just is so healthy. It keeps you young and releases stress and builds relationships. And anyway, so encouraging everyone, even if it’s no longer the National dDy or the International Day of Play when you’re listening to this to take a minute and just go play, do something fun.Celia: Have fun. For older people and even younger people that know who Alan Alda is, he is an actor, still around. He has a great quote because he was always kind of a comedic actor. And his quote is, “When people are laughing, they’re not killing each other.” And although that’s kind of funny, it’s true. If everybody’s laughing and having a good time, you’re not yelling, you’re not screaming, you’re not being aggressive, you’re just enjoying each other and having fun and enjoying life.Amy: It’s so good and it’s so healthy. I think it’s just so grounding and makes you want to be in life and helps you handle the hard parts and all the things. It’s just so good for you. So, I love that. Well, we’ll get back to play in a little minute, but I want to talk about, let’s kind of start, you help people not yell at their kids. So, talk to me, why does this matter so much, because the general consensus I feel when I’m talking to family, friends, whatever, people kind of say, “Well, everyone yells at their kids.” I’m not a yeller so I don’t really yell at my kids,But I think it is very, very common because we’re human and it’s so hard to not feel frustrated sometimes because we’re living. But talk to me about why this matters so much.Celia: So, here’s the problem with yelling and I’m not talking about the parent that goes for a whole month and all of a sudden they come home from work, they’ve had a bad day. Kids are fighting, and they without intention go in and they get aggravated and they’re already overwhelmed and they start yelling. That is the time when you can go up to your children and apologize and say, “You know what, guys? I really had a bad day. I think really what mom needs to do is go sit in the bedroom, chill out, and then I’ll come back.” And not take it out on your kids.What I am addressing more so, is the constant method of communication, of yelling and aggression. That is how you communicate with your kids. And when I asked thousands of parents why they yell at their children and nobody I have ever met feels good about it. They will tell me, number one, they don’t know any other way, which indicates that they were raised that way. And fair, they don’t know any other way. Most common answer is, “I asked them really nicely. I used my manners, they don’t listen and I ask again and again and again and they only listen if I yell.”And the problem is, that number one, you’re training your child to do that. Number two, the problem is not the yelling. The problem is you asked them over and over and over again, you should only ask your child once, maybe twice, done. And if they’re not doing what you’re asking them to do, then there is a consequence, the end. You don’t keep asking them to do the same thing because you’ve trained them to just wait around until you yell, because that’s when you’re serious. They know that’s when you’re serious. You’re not serious the other times. So, it’s up to you to change that.Amy: Interesting. I think that there’s so, so much truth in that, that we train them to not take seriously. So, when you talk about consequence, because I’ve had guests on the show before that are like, “Consequences don’t work. They’re not good.” One of the suggestions I heard, and I think we talked about it on a previous episode, was to ask, but then after that to take movement, to actually start moving and not in a threatening way.But I actually tried this out with one of my kiddos after kind of going through divorce, I felt like we kind of maybe slid just a little bit on really prompt reacting to me asking them to do things, it was just kind of a really challenging time. And I have such good kids and so I hate to say anything. They’re just fabulous, but they didn’t always listen to me the first time because they’re human, I’m human. We’re all just trying to figure it out. But when I started kind of implementing that, I feel like that was really effective. I don’t know what you think about that, but yeah.So, I’d ask them to do something, they maybe didn’t do it. And then I would ask them one more time and I would kind of stand up and I would kind of start walking them towards the stairs to go up to bed. Because going to bed is the hardest thing ever. And I’m like, “Why? I beg to go to bed. Can I just go to sleep already.” But that one used to be hard.Celia: I know, I read a meme that was the things I hated most, taking a nap and going to bed as a child are things I live for right now.Amy: Yeah, time out. Can I have a time out?Celia: Can I please, put me in a time out for 10 minutes. So first I want to address one thing you said and that is whoever you were speaking to, that said, “Consequences don’t work.” That is not true. Punishment doesn’t work. Consequences done the right way, do work, and in fact need to be placed, because in life there are consequences. When we make certain choices, we result in a consequence. Good choice, good consequence. Not so good choice, not so good consequence. It is how life is. And if there are never any consequences, then your children never learn to make better choices.What you do with your kids, where if they’re not going to bed, you assist them to go to bed in a nice little way is the consequence. So, they’re not going to bed, they’re giving you a hard time. Now you’re taking their hand and you’re saying, “Guess what, guys? Time for bed. Here we go.” And you are taking the lead. It’s like your kid’s playing on a video game and you go in there and you’re like, “Please turn that off. Time for bed” or bath or whatever example, and then you leave. And then you come back and they’re still playing. And you’re like, “Honey, I really need you to turn that off, time to go to bed.”And then you leave, you come back, still playing. You’re like, “Honey, turn the game off. It’s time for bed.” And you walk out, still playing, why? Because you’re not serious. Then you come back and you start screaming and yelling, “Honey, if you don’t turn that off, I’m going to throw it in the garbage”, whatever you say, whatever you threaten and you stay there until they do and they turn it off. Now, they have learned that if they wait for you to yell, they’ve gotten 20 more minutes of game play, so it’s working to their advantage, number one.Number two, things are portable, tablets, phones, game systems, toys, trucks. Whatever they’re doing that they’re not stopping doing are for the most part, easily taken away. If they’re playing with their games and you ask them to stop and you go in there the next time and they don’t stop. You have complete ability to stop it, push the button, end the game, the end, over. If you need to take the console, take the tablet, take the phone, take whatever. What are you waiting for? Take it.They didn’t do it, you gave them a chance, they didn’t. If you do this three days in a row, they eventually figure out, you know what? If I don’t turn this off when mom says to turn it off, she’s taking my game. She’s taking my phone. She’s taking whatever it is and then they figure it out.Amy: Yeah. Well, let me ask you this. So, I guess, the first question would be as a first step, would you just ask them to do it? So, if I walk into the room because this has never happened. I walk into the room and they’re watching YouTube. Why? I don’t know, they like to watch other people play Minecraft.Celia: I know, it’s an amazing phenomenon.Amy: I don’t quite understand.Celia: [Crosstalk] sports though.Amy: That’s true. You’re right. That’s true. I do like watching the Olympics.Celia: [Crosstalk], yeah, we do okay, so maybe not so strange.Amy: You could go play Minecraft. Okay, alright, you’re right. Good call, okay. So, I come in and they’re watching a thing and I’m like, “Hey, it’s time to turn that off and go do something else.” Really, whatever, or it’s time for bed or let’s go eat dinner, whatever, something. So, I come in, do you recommend asking them to do it first rather than just coming in and turning it off? Because I have a remote, I can turn it off. But you ask them to do it first to give them a chance to just do it first. Okay, so you would do that.Celia: Right, because it’s respectful. If you just walked in and said, “Game over”, boom, pushed the button, walked out the door, disrespectful. You wouldn’t want them to do that to you.Amy: Okay, yes, I agree.Celia: And when you demand a child to stop something, the second you want it stopped, you are being disrespectful. If a child’s playing with cars and lining them up in that perfect line that children love to do with cars. And you’re like, “Honey, time for a bath. Come on, stop playing. Let’s go.” It’s no different than when a child walks up to you and you’re on the phone and they’re like, “Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.” The same disrespect and you go, “Honey, I’m on the phone, as soon as I’m off I will come listen to you.” It is the same thing.Better, what I teach my clients is, give them a choice. Give them a time choice. When something’s negotiable, give a choice of ending time. Honey, it’s almost time for a bath. I see you’re playing with your cars, would you like one or two more minutes to play? Two minutes, okay, great. What are you going to do when the alarm goes off in two minutes? I’m going to stop playing. Set the alarm, make sure they hear it because this is part of teaching responsibility and being a person of integrity. They now chose to say, “You didn’t say you’re done in 10 minutes.” You asked them.I mean, the time choice was yours. Don’t go in there and go, “When would you like to stop?” Because then they’ll go, “Thursday, I would like to stop playing on Thursday.” And you’re like, “Well, it’s Sunday, you’re going to have to stop sooner than that.” So don’t do that. But make a time choice, one or two more minutes, two or four, whatever fits in with your life. Then they can make the choice. You are empowering them to choose that time and this is only on negotiables, guys, not on non-negotiables. And then ask them, have them confirm what they’re going to do when they hear the alarm.Set the alarm, make sure they can hear it. Don’t set an alarm on your watch or on your phone, and then take it with you, and come back in. You’re defeating the point of them learning to take responsibility for their own choices. So now there’s an alarm. They agreed to stop whatever they were doing when the alarm goes off. And now they hear the alarm, they should end and they should go and do it. This is the single technique where most parents will say to me, “Oh my gosh, Celia, it was like magic. You told me to do this. I did it and they did it.” And it’s not magic, seems like magic. It’s respect.And when you parent with respect, children feel respected. Now again, not for non-negotiables. There’s not a choice in the non-negotiables. I had a client ask me, “Well, my child cries if I pick them up”, and they’re two years old, this two year old child, “Because they don’t want me to hold them when we go into a parking lot.” That is not a choice. Are you going to let your child cry or are you going to let your child die? Is there a choice in that? No. Pick up that child, let them cry, who cares? And take them to the car. There’s not an option here.But for things that are non-negotiable, it gives you an opportunity to give your child a little control over their lives when they don’t have a lot of control over their lives.Amy: And I love that and it’s so healthy because I tell my kids all the time, “I’m not raising you for me to go to college and tell you what to do every time, the rest of your life. I joke about wanting to go to college with you, but in reality, I want you to be able to go on your own. So, I’m raising you to be a decision maker, and that means I have to let you start practicing now. And it’s not fair of me to give you more than is fair to put on you right now. So, I have to help with some of that as you’re growing a bit older. And the older and older you get, I’m giving you as much decision making power as I feel like it’s safe for you or fair to give you.”So, I love that and I love too when you bring respect into it because that’s so true. I love the example you gave because they do, they come up to us, I’m in a meeting. And they’ll come and be like, “Mom.” And I’m like, “Guys, I only have one meeting a week when you guys are here. I just need one hour.”Celia: Why do you need me?Amy: But yeah, everyone needs me. But yeah, I try to be respectful of them. And like you talked about, just asking them, is that respect. But then I can say, “Hey, I’m respectful of you. I need you to be respectful back to me.” And we’ve modeled that behavior for them, and I love that.Celia: Right, and it creates a great conversation around respect and kindness. What does that all mean? And compassion, which is the one emotion we are not born with, we have to learn. So, it’s a great lesson around compassion.Amy: That’s so good. Compassion is the one emotion we’re not born with. Okay, I love that. I want to go back to your thing around the alarm. I love this too. I don’t know, there’s different ones where I feel like I’m still figuring this piece out, but yeah, when you give them a time choice. And then I’ll have my kids sometimes, because my kids are starting to get a little bit older. They’ll be on a device or something like that. And I’ll say, “I need you to turn on your alarm for that.” So, I’ll have them actually use the device that they’re on to set an alarm for themselves or say, “Make sure you have the phone with you.”My kids share a phone. I don’t give them phones until they’re older. But my younger ones have a shared phone. And so, I’ll say, “Turn on the alarm so that you know that when this time happens”, or whatever. And so, they can set their own alarm which is so great because then as they’re getting older into teenagers and they’re responsible like you talked about, we’re teaching them accountability and follow through.Celia: And time management. People are always like, “My child has ADHD. They don’t stay on task.” Because that executive function is one of the biggest things with ADHD. But setting alarms, I mean we have the gift in society today of being able to easily set alarms. And personally, I have ADHD and I would never be on time for anything and my kids make fun of me all the time if I didn’t have nine million alarms set up in my phone. So, it’s a gift, so give your kids. You have a routine when you get home, you get home, you have a snack, you play. Then a half hour later, you want to start homework.Set alarms so they can become more independent like you were saying, with less of you having to micromanage.Amy: Okay, follow-up question. I’m just getting all the personal help today, but hopefully this is helpful to other people too because it’s just common stuff that we’re all dealing with. So, one example, I’ll come in and I’ll be like, “Okay, kids’, it’s time for bed.” And they’ll be like, “But, mom, can we just finish this episode or can I just finish this one round of this game”, or something. Because a lot of times, this stuff comes up around electronics and there’s not really a timeframe per se on some of that stuff.I don’t know when the round of your game is going to end or a TV show, sure if it’s a minute, a minute and a half, “I’m like, “Whatever, finish it and then it’s time.” But if it’s almost over and you look and there’s 14 minutes left. And I’m like, “Well, it’s not almost in my perspective.” So, talk to me through that, what would you do in those situations?Celia: So, in that situation, number one, I always offer that time choice for transitions. And your kids get super used to them. My six year old grandson who has grown up, I no longer take care of him because he’s in public school now. But when he was growing up through the years I was with him once a week every week and we always did that time transition. It’s time to go, whenever he had to go, he got a time choice. We would play it like Chick-fil-A and then he’d have to leave the playground. And I’d be like, “Honey, do you want two or four more minutes, or a minute, all thing?”And he would just get up and leave and moms would be like, “How did you do that?”Amy: It’s magic.Celia: It’s magic. And so, he was very used to it. I mean, he would be like, [inaudible], it’s like Pablo’s dogs. He’d hear an alarm and boom, headphones would be off, game would be cleaned up. Things would be done before I could even turn around. He was so in tune to the choice he made and the alarm that was set. But there are times when he will be watching something and he’ll say, “Grandmam, it’s almost over.” They call me grandmam, “It’s almost over.” And I would go look, I go, “Okay, well, show me how much time you have left.” And it would be two minutes. And I’d be like, “Okay, two minutes, two minutes is fine.”But if I go over and it’s 15 or 20 minutes and we have to go, I would be like, “Look, honey, there’s a lot more time left. Pause it. Stop it. We’ve got to go do this”, whatever it is we’ve got to do. “And then you know what? When we get back, you can finish watching. And if it’s time for bed, then tomorrow morning when you wake up, get dressed, get breakfast.” Get all motivated, motivate them to get their stuff done. “If you’re all dressed and ready to go by this time, you can watch the end of this.” If it’s a movie or something like that.And so, it’s not that you don’t acknowledge their wishes or their negotiation skills, or they’re wanting to do something. If it works for you, great. If it doesn’t work, acknowledge it, but let them know, can’t happen right now, but it can happen at this time. Mommy, I want some ice-cream. Well, honey, you know what, dinner’s about on the table. So, we’re not going to have ice-cream today. We certainly can’t have it now. But you know what? I was thinking on Saturday, after we go swimming, that’ll be a great time to get some ice-cream.So, it’s always good to be like, “We can’t do this now, but we can do it at some other time. We can’t play this game now, but after dinner, pull the game out. We’ll play it after dinner.” So that they know that they’re being heard and their opinions are being respected and valued. Did that help?Amy: Yes, I love it. Yeah, it’s just so good, it’s good to hear you talk through the different strategies. And also just get a second opinion, because I’m working through. And I think talking too just about some of the common things that we’re all dealing with in parenting because it sounds like you’ve been doing it as a grandparent. I’m doing it as a parent. I know some of our listeners are experiencing similar things and going to be coming into more of it probably as their kids grow. So, I love that so much.Let’s talk a little bit about shifting into, we were kind of talking about play at the beginning. I want to talk about the value of play and how it can relate, as we’re trying to progress, maybe towards not yelling so much and trying to stay in a place of calm as we’re working through all this stuff. Because it sounds really ideal, but it’s hard some days. So yeah, let’s talk about play and some of the value that it brings as we’re working. I like to not just tell, as kids, we don’t just tell them what not to do.We give them a thing to do. And it helps our brain to have something to actually focus on. That’s what we’re trying to accomplish. And I think play is one of those things. So, let’s talk about that and how we kind of can bring more of that and why.Celia: Okay, I love to talk about play. One of my favorite slogans in life is, you’re only young once, but you can be immature forever. So don’t forget to be immature, people. And I wrote the book, I wrote the manual for parents. People say there’s no direction manual. Well, I wrote one, so Raising Happy Toddlers is that. And in my book is a chapter on play and the benefits of play. And I think I have 30 benefits listed and I probably didn’t even get them all. And for those of you that don’t know, I am also the founder of Funfit Family Fitness I created with my sister back in 1987.So, I have been playing with kids for about 40 years professionally, and my own children, who my oldest turns 42 this year. So, play is so important. It is the best way for your child to learn, if you have a toddler, the single best way. Don’t put your child in front of a worksheet. Don’t put your child in front of some kind of, I don’t even know, I can’t think of what they put children in front of.Amy: Apps, there’s lots of apps now.Celia: Blocks, you want to teach your child math, do it with blocks. Do it with cars. Do it with something that they can build. Do with leaves outside and sticks, and how many sticks are there and how many leaves are there and how many ants? Oh, there goes an ant. Now we have one less. You can do it with nature. And there’s so many ways you can do it. Do you know that an obstacle course, when you create an obstacle course for a child, a young child, that is their first introduction to sequencing.Math, we go through the tunnel, we go over the bounce beam, we go through the hoops, we go in the tunnel, we go through the bounce beam, we go through. That’s sequencing, all of this is learning. They learn to take turns. They learn social skills. They learn spatial awareness. They learn leadership. They learn how to follow directions. They learn patience and delayed gratification because they have to wait their turns. This is a fast paced world and we have to be exercising.I am an expert in physical fitness and health for children. But the two biggest muscles to exercise in your child’s body is their waiting muscle and their disappointment muscle because they need to experience disappointment. They need to experience waiting and taking turns and having delayed gratification instead of instant gratification. Do something fun this summer. Plant a garden. It instantly teaches kids to nurture things, care for things, and get excited when things grow and kids eat better. They’ll eat the vegetables you grow. That’s proven.And women, best exercise for osteoporosis is gardening, free vitamin D from the sun. And it’s a weight bearing exercise, so it’s the best thing you can do for your bones.Amy: And kids love it. They enjoy it. It’s so fun for them. And I love that it does teach them. I recently heard a phrase that one of the best skills we can give kids for their life for basically every part of their life, is helping them learn. I think the phrase was frustration tolerance. So, we’ve heard grit or different things, but frustration, tolerance. And I loved that phrase because I’m thinking, my gosh, no matter how your life goes, you’re going to have frustration probably at least 50% of the time.You have negative emotions, if you’re rich, if you’re poor, wherever you are, if we’re single, married, all the things, there’s going to be hard parts and there’s going to be good parts. And so, there’s frustration tolerance, if you have that then you have the confidence to just keep going anyway and to know you’re going to be okay and you can keep going and push through whatever your hard things are and move forward.Celia: Why do people yell? They yell because they get frustrated. And let me tell you, parents, when you’re yelling and screaming and hitting your children, you’re throwing a tantrum just like they do, no different. And you’ll be modeling that behavior. How do you deal with things that don’t go your way? You throw a tantrum. So, you are now teaching them that when things don’t go their way, they throw a tantrum. You are their strongest role model.Amy: Yeah, it’s true. So, we have to think about what we want to be modeling when we’re frustrated and what does that look like. And sometimes I let out just a frustrated sound and I’m just like “Oh.” And it’s not at anyone. I’m just letting out something, life is hard sometimes or I’ll tell them, “I think I really need a really long bike ride today. I’m going to just go and have a bike ride, I will be back.”Celia: Go the extra mile.Amy: This is a 26 miler today, it was a really big one. Anyway, just being able to model for them because I think it’s healthy for kids to recognize that we have frustrations. Healthy living isn’t just being, I’m never frustrated. I’m happy all the time. This is what you should look like, because that’s not real. And I think if they’re feeling like that’s what they’re seeing, that’s unhealthy too because then they’re like, “There’s something wrong with me because I have feelings.”So, I think it’s okay for kids to know we’re having feelings as long as it’s not being expressed at them. And so that’s one of mine and it’s not directed at anyone and it’s not scary or anything.Celia: But it’s fun too, because if my mom sat there and was like, “Oh”, I would be laughing. And now go back to what you’re doing when you’re laughing, you are de-stressing. So, if your kids are fighting and they start laughing, they’re not fighting anymore. And what you said about reality of life and frustration and teaching your children how to deal with emotions. We’re born with a ton of emotions and emotions are not the enemy. People go, “Well, if you’re angry, that’s a bad emotion. Or if I’m feeling really frustrated, that’s a bad emotion.” No emotions are good or bad, they’re simply emotions.What qualifies as good or not so good is the way we respond to that emotion. And it is our job as parents to teach that emotional regulation that we are not born with, so that your children know ways they can respond to emotions. If you are always trying to make your child happy, we all want our kids happy. I’ve five kids, nine grandkids. I’d love them all to be happy every minute of their life but that is not reality. And if I’m always trying to make them happy, I’m doing them a disservice because they’re going to grow up to be very unhappy adults. So, you have to role model that.Amy: So true. Let me ask you just a question in this because this is a conversation I’ve been having with children recently. So, I’m curious as to what your response is. But when you have a child that is hurting inside or whatever and they’re frustrated, and it’s not a thing that you can helpfully just go fix for them and you are trying to teach them that it’s okay to have that feeling.What do you say in that moment when you’re trying to validate that they’re having the feeling that they’re feeling and that it’s okay, that it doesn’t need to be fixed? They’re allowed to feel it and they’re safe in being frustrated and it’s okay and safe to be frustrated and it will go away. And they’ll move on to the next emotion, and that’s okay. But, especially for young children, how do you validate that and help them be in that moment and not just try to fix it and yet still help them feel emotionally supported?Celia: Well, everything you said, Amy, is so important for all your listeners to retain. That is validating emotions. Understanding, as moms we always want to fix stuff. We always want to make it better. You can’t always make it better. And you’re a good friend, a good parent, a good support human, if sometimes you realize, you know what, I can’t fix this for somebody, but I can certainly sit and listen. I can help them through it. I can hold their hand. I can put my arm around them.I can just sit there quietly while they’re doing something so they know I’m there for them. And if it’s something with your child and they’re frustrated and they’re overwhelmed. If they’re throwing a tantrum, let the tantrum ride out. Don’t try to talk into the tantrum because think of their brain. Their brain is in tantrum mode, so it’s in crazy land and if you try to talk into it, you’re only going to create sensory overload and then that tantrums going to go on and on forever. Let the tantrum pass, then talk to them.Acknowledge, “Honey, I know you were frustrated that you couldn’t get that toy at the store. I get it. I know we all love new toys.” But whatever the reason is, they couldn’t get it. We’re buying a toy for Tommy, not for you, whatever the reason is. Give them their explanation. Let them know. Do not go back in there and buy the toy. Never give in to the tantrum. That’s a whole another episode. But let them know and acknowledge, and you’re not going to fix it by buying them the toy and making them happy.They have to understand, sometimes things work out and sometimes things don’t. And now you can go into, what can we learn from what happened? Because usually when things don’t go their way or your way, there is a lesson there. So, it is good to help your children recognize a lesson., They didn’t get such a great grade. They worked really hard, they studied so hard and they wound up with a C instead of an A. Well, it’s okay, honey, because what’s important is the effort you put in.So now you study super hard the next time you take a test, what can we do differently? And we can do it together. I can help you study and memorize to come up with a different outcome. And when it’s something with a little guide, they can learn lessons too. And you can discuss, “Honey, we can’t buy it. But you know what we can do? We can take a picture of it and I’ll put it on your gift list for holidays or for birthdays.” Because people always ask me what to do.Again, I’ll bring up my grandson, Brooks, because one day he said to me, “Grandmam, let’s go to Target now.” Now, his older sister will gladly shop 24 hours a day. Brooks could care less about shopping. And I’m like, “You want to go to Target?” And he goes, “Yeah, let’s go to Target.” And I’m like, “Why do you want to go to Target?” And he goes, “So I can take pictures of all the things to put on my list.” And I’m like, “My job here is done.”Amy: I love it so much.Celia: I called my daughter, I’m like, “You can thank me later for this.”Amy: That’s that frustration tolerance. I don’t get everything I want today, but I can put it on a list and wait for it and be excited about it. And that anticipation, I think actually is more fun than getting the thing a lot of the time.Celia: Right. Exactly, save money, they could even save money. They could do odd chores around the house to save money for something they really want that you’re not willing to get and it’s okay that you’re not willing to get it.Amy: I was just listening to someone talk about finance too, and teaching children about finance. And they were saying that people have a lot of different views on, what’s the word? When you give your kids an allowance. That’s the word. It just left my brain. But they said, “If you give your kids an allowance, make sure that it is less than what they need to get the things that they want so that they have that practice of having to wait and save up.”So, whatever you decide around an allowance, make sure that whatever it is, it’s something that is less than what they need to get what they want so that they have to work towards. Because what you’re doing a lot of times with allowance is trying to teach kids’ financial management. Anyway, I love that.Celia: And that is what you’re doing with it. So, you put some away for charity. You put some away for gift giving, if you want to, because a lot of kids will be like, “Mommy, I want to buy you a gift for Mother’s Day, or Daddy for Father’s Day or their birthday.” So, you can even put some away for someone else, not yourself and then a certain spending amount. So, it is for money management, it should be chores regardless, it should not be tied to household responsibilities. You’re a member of this family, we all have a responsibility.Amy: We have some of both at our house. There’s the chores that you do because you live here and you’re part of the family and then sometimes there’s extra stuff you can do outside.Celia: Right, stuff above and beyond that you can earn.Amy: Yeah, I love it. I want to go back a little bit to what you said and just kind of sitting with children. Because I remember Dr. Becky talks about, or maybe it was Brené Brown. I listen to too many people and I love it. But sitting in the dark, we can’t fix, I think it was Brené Brown, that we sit in the dark with our kids sometimes. We don’t have a fix. We can’t fix it and a lot of times trying to fix it is about protecting our own discomfort over their emotion rather than fixing whatever the thing is.And so just sitting there and I’ve been practicing this with my kids for the last couple of years, and it is so powerful when they’re feeling out of control, they’re feeling so frustrated. Everything’s built up and it’s this one little thing happens and everything is over, it’s all ruined.And letting them just sit there and say, “I don’t have a way to just make you feel better. That’s not even my job. If this matters to you so much, I can’t just make that go away. But what I can do is I can just sit here with you and you can be sad. You can have whatever feeling you’re having. And I’ll just sit here with you while you’re having it. And then when you’re ready to work through it and come up with ideas. I’m here for that too.”And so just giving them that space and I feel like they feel so seen and so respected. And it’s so safe to have emotion and it gives them, I think, just a sense of confidence that they can face emotion. And that idea of confidence is being willing to face any emotion, and I think recognizing that you can and that you’re going to be okay and what a powerful thing to teach our kids. It’s so good.Celia: Yeah, it’s so important to help your child understand that we all have emotions and emotions aren’t the enemy, they’re not the bad guys. And sometimes emotions will come out that you don’t even think, why am I even upset about this? Us as adults, sometimes we just have a long day and we start crying. And we’re like, “Why?” You watch a commercial on TV and you start crying, oh, that puppy, look at that puppy. And you’re like, “Why am I crying, what is wrong with me?” I need a time out.And sometimes for children just sitting there like we said and in the dark and just basically not being the one that has to be the talker all the time. The best conversationalist, the best communicators are the listeners. And the more you listen to your child with not just your ears, but your eyes and your heart, the more you will understand the expression that they’re speaking to you with. Don’t be listening plotting your rebuttal. We do that all the time. We do with our partners, most humans don’t really listen because they’re too busy plotting what they’re going to say in response to what that person’s saying.Stop plotting and just listen because that’s where all the secrets lie. That’s where all the little information tidbits that you need to understand how your child is really feeling, that’s where they lie. And that’s exactly where you’re going to find them is by listening and doesn’t mean you solve the problem.Amy: But I think so often too, it’s not about the thing that they are thinking it’s about, they didn’t get the pink cup and they really needed the pink cup. And you’re like, “It’s so frustrating to not get the things that you want”, or something like that, whatever we say. But then when they are ready to start talking and they start talking, they talk about all these things, “Well, I feel like so and so always gets the things and I don’t.” And then they’re talking more and I’m in a situation where I don’t have my kids all the time because of a divorce situation. And so, I have them the majority of the time but not all the time.And sometimes they’ll even say something like, “I feel like I’m not getting as much attention as so and so”, or something, whatever. And they’re like, “I just feel like I need more.” It started about a snack or a cup or a hike or whatever. And when you kind of allow it, when you listen, like you said, and you’re not just like, “It doesn’t matter, it’s a cup, it works the same.” And you’re allowed to listen and hear what’s behind it.And then you say, “Oh my goodness, maybe we need to really just make sure we’re taking time to go out on our own.” And yes, I already spend a lot of hours going back and forth to ballet with you.” And I feel like I get a lot of time with you, but if you’re feeling like you need something different. Let’s talk about that and let’s make sure you’re getting it.” And I love that just kind of that listening you’re talking about is, I think, where you’re allowed to go back and find the actual cause of what the problem is rather than it being about the cup.Celia: Ask questions about it. Keep diving into it, as a coach and I do therapy with a lot of people and I help couples and I help families. A lot of it is me asking them questions to dive deeper because eventually, like you said, it’s not that cup. It’s something way deeper than the cup. And kids will bring up fairness. Well, that’s not fair. It’s not that it’s not fair because it’s perfectly fair. You got the blue hoop this time and they’re going to get it the next time. Well, it’s not fair. I want the blue hoop. Why do they get it every time? Well, they don’t get it every time.And it’s more they have to understand that it has nothing to do with fairness because it usually is fair. It has to do with their disappointment and they wanting something that actually would not be fair if they got it all the time or something like that. So, you really have to look deeper. You have to really see what is bothering them and kids show it in so many ways.Amy: I love you bring up disappointment too. My friend who’s a life coach was talking to me about this and she said, “Disappointment is just the difference between what your expectation was and what happened. “And so, all of us can understand that. And so, if there’s disappointment, even if it is about the cup or whatever unfairness because unfairness feels so yucky. And I think we get so frustrated about it, it’s that disappointment and we can understand that and they can understand it. We can have compassion for that even if it’s something that it just really is fair or maybe you even get maybe more attention than some of the other kids, but whatever.But there is disappointment and I can understand that and have compassion for that and that’s okay, and we can feel sad about that. And then also when we’re ready let’s kind of look at the bigger picture and talk through that and help you see where you’re being respected and maybe help set expectations. I don’t know, I love this so much. We are out of time. We have been just chatting and chatting and I love it, but if we get too long, I feel like I want to give people the opportunity to actually listen to our whole conversation and hear about you at the end.So, we’ll wrap up, but this was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing and tell us everything, where we find you, where we get this amazing book, the handbook for raising children, which we all want.Celia: So, you can find me, and it’s available in English or Spanish, so you can find my book if you go to celiasbooks.com C-E-L-I-A-S books.com. Those are direct links to Amazon along with my three children’s books, All About Me, I Am Grateful and Being Different is Fun. And I am on all social media platforms. You are all welcome to set up a call with me. I have an SOS call, if something is going terribly wrong in your life and you’re like, “I’m sick of dealing with this every day. I need to solve it today.” I offer SOS calls and those are at talkwithcelia.com.But I’m always here. I’m always here to help. I pride myself in giving parents, doable practical information that they can implement right now, like that choice thing, parents, I hope you heard it. If you didn’t hear it, listen again, write it down, put it into action because you will find out like other parents have that that alone is magic. But the one thing I want to tell you guys, before we say goodbye is, absolutely play with your kids, it’s International Day of Play, start playing. And if they’re upset, they’re worried, let them calm down and then go play a game with them.They’ll have fun playing with you but start noticing all the good your children do. We’re so automatic as humans to recognize and start just focusing on the negative. Start focusing on the positive because your kids do a lot more good than not so good. So, reach out to me if you need help. I’m at pumpedupparenting.com. Thank you so much, Amy, for having me on.Amy: So good. And we’ll drop links in the show notes, of course, because we want to make it super easy for people to find you and we can use all the help we can get in our busy, busy lives. So, we’ll just drop those links in there for you and it’ll be amazing. Thank you so much, Celia, for coming and chatting with me today. I’ve learned some things and it’s been just lovely to talk to you and I imagine getting to work with you one-on-one does sound amazing.Celia: Thank you so much. And I’ve thought of one more link that I forgot to tell you, since we were talking about yelling, and that is you can get my 21 Days to Stop Yelling challenge at quityelling.com, 21 days you’ll stop yelling.Amy: quityelling.com, that is good. I like it, very straightforward to the point. Let’s do it.Celia: And put in, I have a coupon code for your guests, put in podcast. Podcast. It drops the price 60%.Amy: Wow. Well, thank you so much. Amazing. Thank you so much. And I’ve just so appreciated chatting with you.Celia: It’s been a pleasure, Amy, and you can come on my podcast next.Amy: Okay, let’s do that. That sounds great.Celia: Okay.Don’t you just love all the fun things we’re learning on the show together? Well, we wanted to give you a chance to practice a little bit of it at home. And so, we made you a special freebie just for being a listener here and you can grab it at planningplaytime.com\special-freebie. That is planningplaytime.com\special-freebie. So what this freebie is, I’ll tell you, is an amazing alphabet activity that you can start using with your kiddos and it is based in play and is so fun.You can use dot markers with it, you can use Q-tip painting, you could use circle cereal. There’s all kinds of options, but you can print it out today and get started. Just head over to planningplaytime.com\special-freebie and we’ll send that to you right away. Thank you for hanging out with me today for this fun chat on Raising Healthy Kid Brains. If you want to see more of what we’re doing to support kiddos and their amazing brains, come visit us on our website planningplaytime.com. See you next week.

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